First Love, Last Love, Self Love...

I'm pretty sure the first time I found that in a fortune cookie all I could think about was masturbation. Which is unfortunate, because like so many truisms and life lessons, this is really one you need to learn the first time around. And while I guess I'm a bit of a protege, a precocious genius in many ways, in others I'm a late bloomer and something of a retard. I used to think that my special olympics was restricted to the love event, but I've recently realized that it extends far beyond that, and in spite of or because of my lack of luck in love, I've neglected something else, something far more important: me. When I had the idea to start this blog I was at rock bottom; the most recent love of my life, my longest, deepest, most valuable relationship ended and all I could think about was "goddamn it to hell, I really thought this was IT! I NEEDED it to be it! I can't do this anymore!! I'm tired!! WHERE IS HE???" But I've realized something much worse is wrong with my life than I can't find Mr. Right: I don't know who I am or what I really want out of a career. I spent a lifetime of misery in medicine and I just don't know where to go from there. I've read every career book known to man or woman, from What Color is Your Parachute, to How to Fly Without a Parachute, to I Could Do Anything if I Only Knew What it Was (that's a real book), to I Know What Color Your Parachute is But I'm Not Going to Tell You (ok, that's not a real book). I stood dumbfounded, at the expansive wall of Self Help at Barnes and Noble yesterday, paralyzed with fear, thinking: There are so many books. There is so much wrong with me. Where do I start? Is there even any point? It's too late anyway! I'll just be a psycho old New York lady with cats (I hate cats, there will be no cats).
So, I've got a shrink, and at one point last week I had a life coach AND a career coach. I know. I've never been one to do things halfway. I ditched the life coach and spent the last week doing my "homework" - exercise after exercise listing my strengths, my talents, my likes, dislikes. SIGH. I still don't have any answers other than absolute, rock solid confirmation that medicine was just about the worst career choice for me. Ever. So, sans answers, seeking inspiration, I drifted to the creative non-fiction section and grabbed Julie & Julia - I had never heard of the book nor the project, but am dying to see the film. So far, the book more than delivers; it's witty, humble, and, yes, inspiring. I do take comfort in the "my life is spiraling the drain, now what? Time for something heroic" antics of Eat. Pray. Love and the like, and I do think that my life could be one of those stories. A cautionary tale to little girls playing doctor everywhere. Until then, I'll have to keep seeking my fortune, put love on the back burner and focus on what the cookie's been trying to tell me...